I should probably post more but I just feel so unmotivated. Maybe I'll have a great day tomorrow and tell you everything Freckles says to me. ( Being he tells me a lot of things about himself that are funny/awkward/awkwardly funny) Also sorry if none of this makes sense. I just feel like I have all this pent up anger and I need to vent it RIGHT THIS SECOND, what ever comes into my head I'm going to freaking put.
I've been trying really super freaking hard to be happy. I haven't talked to Anthony in like two weeks ( I'll get around to explaining this, being I didn't post about it when it happened ) and today, he talks to me. Well technically he talked to me yesterday. But I was in a bad mood yesterday and asked him if he's grown up, and then told him if the answer was no to go fuck himself. ( To which he said " Proceeding to fuck self. " So I don't understand why he would try and talk at me today. ) So Anyway, he talks to me today as if nothing EVER happened, like we are friends and that he missed me and shit. It's like I went on a very stressful vacation to a place where the computers don't exist. You would think that if he didn't care that he would stop talking to me. Instead of talking to me, and then telling me he doesn't care. five minutes into our conversation, after telling me he missed me he tells me that he regrets signing into msn. Yeah, He honestly doesn't have any other contacts on msn other then me. Which I used to feel pretty special about, because he had to find an older version to download because his computer is hella old and wouldn't load the newer ones. And he did it, just to talk to me. Now I think it's actually kind of pathetic. Who has only 1 contact on the most used im program? Like really? Just one? Are you that anti social that you wont even talk to anyone online?
So I tell him he's a douche bag and that if he was going to act like a child to give me the cold shoulder for another few weeks. So he changes the subject and acts like he wants to talk about me. So you know what I do? I talk about me. Well, more like I talk about Andy. I know I shouldn't, but some small part of me wants to make him jealous. Now I don't just like Andy for that reason, he's awesome and pretty freaking amazing.
OKAY so the reason why Anthony decided to ignore me for two weeks is because he insulted my grandma, and I turned it around and insulted him for the same reason. :'D Like FUCKING LOL. He called my grandma a waste of skin and a drain on society because I had to go over there and help her. (She's recovering from a knee surgery and can't get around well, and being she's obese it's going slower then it should. ) So I told him that at least my 70 year old grandma can get a job here in a shitty little town, actually contribute to society and provide a service when the most he's done in the last three years is live off of his extended family and get high. ( Not exact words, I was a real bitch about it and just went on and on about his life or lack there of. (: But that was the basic gist of what I said. ) He was like " Thanks because I don't have feelings you stupid bitch. " And signed out. :'D
Because when I was at school I signed on my msn he said he sent me a message, which was at home on my laptop.
So when I got home that was of course the first thing I did, Checked it. And this is what I got :
Ummm....Wtf? Is my first thought. HE broke up with ME. And he's telling me all this?
Where was this like a week ago?
Anthony, pretty sure this is pretty pathetic and generic ex girlfriend of me but I’ve never really been in this position before so I’m going to go ahead and continue. I was expecting you to break up with me, I’ve felt for awhile that you don’t feel the same as you used to. I chalked it up to you being just stressed and feelings such as that. I didn’t really think that you would break up with me. Well I did but I didn’t. When you actually signed on tis morning I thought maybe that you still wanted to be with me. You could have sent me an email (Face booked?) and been really impersonal and left it at that. I tossed and turned hoping that wasn’t the case. I honestly woke up just to check and make sure that wasn’t the case countless times. (You know I do think I’m actually crazy sometimes.) I worried about this EVERYTIME we fought. I don’t want to think that about your life filled with nothing but Drugs and Alcohol. I really don’t. I want you to have a reason to wake up in the morning. I want you to want to be sober and be happy just because everything is okay. I know people have hurt you in the past; more then you’ve told me. I don’t doubt it, and I wanted to help heal that hurt. Anthony, you mean a lot to me. More then I know how to express to you, more than anyone I’ve ever met has ever meant to me. And we haven’t even met. You know that you make me more than just miserable. And you know that you do more than just make me cry. I’ve told you countless times how incredibly happy I feel when we talk. You cannot imagine the amount of times I think about you in one day. Whether it be what we would be doing if you were with me or all the things I want to tell you. I don’t tell you 90% of what I want to. I’m afraid to. I’m afraid to feel like this Anthony. To feel like you’ve offered yourself completely to someone and they’ve rejected you. (You’ve already done that so I don’t think I could feel any worse than right now so I’ll explain to you what’s on my mind)
So after an hour and a half of bawling into my pillow (I don’t cry on purpose Anthony, if I could stop myself I would. I hate crying it makes me feel worse. But I can’t help it, when I feel like my world is falling apart I tear up.) I just couldn’t help but thinking about never being able to talk to you again, and never being able to hear your voice or hear you laugh. That’s hard for me to deal with. I’ll never get to hear you say my name in your special way. I’ll never get to hear how much you mean it when you say you love me. There won’t be anymore me laying right and you laying left. I don’t want any of that with anyone else. I don’t want anyone else. I’ve never actually physically wanted to be with anyone else. I’ve never wanted someone. It scares me that I feel like that for you, and we’ve never even met. That’s why anytime you brought up sex or anything like that I would say I want to wait. Not because I actually wanted to wait, but because I’ve never wanted to have sex. Never. Not with any of my boyfriends, not with any hot Actor/Celeb, no one. Just you.
I love how smart you are and how funny you are. How you laugh at your own jokes. You’re witty and even though you’re not very expressive I know you’re a really sensitive person. I promised you that I wouldn’t break your heart again and I meant it. But Anthony, I trusted that you wouldn’t do that to me. I’ve never felt this much emotion anguish in my life. It hurts, a lot. I would rather lose Dani a million more times then lose you. You mean the world to me. I don’t want to have to imagine my future without you being a part of it. Even if we are only friends. I would rather have some part of you then none of you. Even if I am illogical and stupid and naive I always felt that you could accept me for who I am. Love me regardless of all that, not despite it.
You picked the shittiest time to break up with me by the way. My dad had just gotten home and was talking at me about how life is meaningless without the person you love. Having him say that my life is going to be meaningless because I always say I don’t want children and I that I’m going to be alone forever and then watching you slip through my fingers felt horrible. I don’t want to be alone. I hate feeling like everything is pointless. I don’t want to have to drag myself out of bed and have no inspiration or motivation to do anything. Some days, the only reason I got out of bed was so I could talk to you. These past 6 months have been really hard on me. And whether you believe it or not, you helped me through that. If you weren’t there to talk to I can honestly say that I would have killed myself. And yeah, even when we did talk sometimes I still felt like I wanted to. Not because you weren’t saying the right thing or you were being a jerk or anything like that. (I actually internalize all of your negativity; it’s a horrible quality really, so it could have been maybe like 5% you and 95% the rest of the world) It’s because I’m stuck Anthony. I feel like my life has platued and that I’m sitting in a valley. Waiting for it to rain and wash the ground out from under me. I don’t think life is some big joke. I don’t think it’s all Rainbows and sunshine. As ignorant as I can be sometimes, I’m not that dense. Yeah, I do often pretend that I’m okay and that I’m happy so the people around me aren’t affected by me.
I don’t talk to people about my problems until I feel like I can’t handle it anymore. And that is the only reason I talk to Desi about our fight in the first place. I tried talking to you and I tried to deal with it but I couldn’t. Yes. I am pathetic enough to have a live journal account which I do use to vent my frustrations. She is my only friend on there. 98% of anything on there has been locked and viewed by me only. I don’t sit around and man bash with her, she does it all the time about the boy she likes and we talk about him. We talk about her problems. I don’t talk to her or anyone about you. Anything I’ve said to them has been defending you (Because you posted something rude on my face book and they saw it and made a comment to me about it) or I’m telling them all the positive emotions that you have made me feel.
And you do make me feel really good most of the time. No one makes me feel as pretty as you do. I smiled for days because you said you thought I was beautiful when I smiled. (Crying thinking about it because I’m unstable and think you lied to me about everything.fck) And when we talked about how much you want to kiss me all the time and all of our cute late night conversations, when I was having a shitty day just thinking about that made it all bearable. I feel incredibly stupid for thinking you meant every word of it. That when you said you would always love me, you were lying. It kills me inside to think that I really mean nothing to you. That you could so nonchalantly brush me off and be so prepared to just forget about me.
If you’re still reading this (Which I honestly doubt that you are) then you should know that I love you. No matter how hurt and upset I feel now I still do. I’m sorry that I can’t be the one to make you happy and I’m so sorry that I can’t be the type of girl you want or need. But don’t stop looking for someone to spend your life with and just fill the void with whatever you can get your hands on in abundance to numb the sting of loneliness. If you can’t do anything else for me, please don’t do that. You’re a great person without substance abuse. God, I’m really going to miss you.
You're talking like I'm some drunk crackhead baby kitten in the rain. You tend to exaggerate.
Plus, I am the Impure King. It is my fate to consume all the negativity and poison in the world that I can grasp and consume it so it can't get anyone else. "The world, however, was more filled with impurity and corruption than even the gods dared imagine, and having swallowed it all, the once beautiful Cúchulainn was transformed into a hideous thing, a deity of filth, and so did he turn against his creators. Wherever his feet should fall, there all life withers to dust."
I am going to be blunt and precise. I am an amalgamation of everything evil in the world, and some would say that I'm a general example of all that's wrong with an entire generation. I'm not nice. The whole nine yards.
And I can't change anything that has already befallen me, but I can stop you from being pulled into the web of malice that is the whole of my life.
I'm one of those disposable heroes, the jerk boyfriend. I refuse to perpetuate such a stereotype. We're a dime a dozen; you certainly don't have to look far to find scum like me.
Other than that, I don't know what to tell you. You either get what will make you sad now, or what will ruin your life in the future. Rather than offer you the illusion of free choice, I took the liberty of choosing what's best for you.
I do apologize for what must seem to you an arbitrary imposition, Ms. McFadden. I trust it will all make sense to you in the course of... well... I'm really not at liberty to say. In the meantime... This is where I get off.
PS. You should know me well enough to know that I mean what I say.
If you actually thought that was the problem, I know you well enough to think that you would want to change. No body is perfect, You've said all of that to me before. And once again, we don't share the same opinion. You don't see your own value so you assume there is none. And you're wrong, you're very wrong. Sure, you're not always a prince charming by any means. I'm not saying you were/are, but you're far from scum. I've yet to meet anyone like you.
Lately I'll go to draw or write or anything and I'll just stare at the paper. It sucks. I have to draw. I have art this semester.
I feel like CRAP constantly. I now have 2 art projects to work on and no motivation to do either. The second project is super easy. It's just copying three sets of eyes, And then drawing your own. Drawing my own? I don't think I could do that. When it comes to drawing myself, I just can't do it. Ask me to reproduce the Mona Lisa, I'd attempt that. But myself? I often think that I don't see myself the way the world around me does. Have you ever watched Shallow Hal? Remember how he sees the unattractive women as hotties? I think that's my life story in a nut shell.
I don't know why I just feel the need to curl up in a ball and sob uncontrollably.
Yeah, like that'll help anything.
I have 20 minutes to spare though so I might as well do it.
I decided I need to write about it, I'm pretty fed up with lying awake and thinking about it tonight. For now I'll leave the post unlocked but may decided to lock it later. Rage level = Very high. I'll post her exact text tomorrow so you all know what a little bitch she is.
I don't think I would be this upset and this Angry if she has talked to me about it before she went and kicked me out and touched my things and started this rumour about me. ( In case I haven't told you Leslie told my mom that she heard a rumour that I said that I was sleeping with her husband. It was a "Reliable source" she heard this from. So I guess it must be true??)
Well lets think about this rumour, I'm living with a friend and her husband, basically for free. I have a place to sleep, I can do my laundry for free, and I can eat. And the only requirement is that I watch her kids when she wants me to. Sounds good right? So why would I go at tell people that I'm having sex with her husband? And even if I was, do you really think I'm that much of an idiot to say it to her friends? Or even say it at all? Am I that stupid that I would say it in a public place where someone she knows would over hear it? I watched her kids all the time. I rarely got out of the house! When I did go out I was with her kids or my GRANDMOTHER. So when did I have time to go tell her friends that I'm having sex with him? It doesn't make sense to me.
Her husband was only home on the weekends. 2 DAYS A WEEK. When she wasn't home and he was I didn't come out of my room. And she was there 90% of the time he was anyway. The kids were there ANY time he was. Does it make sense that I would have sex with a married man while his kids were there? When would I even have time to have sex with him? HMM? And even if I wanted to, I doubt he would. She should know the kind of person I am. I'm not some fluzy who tries to reenact some babysitter porno. Not to mention the fact that I'm Christian and strongly disagree with casual sex. Hell, I wouldn't even have sex with my boyfriend ( Anthony complains about blueballs all the time -___- ) Let alone with a married man.
Even if she did believe this rumour why the hell didn't she even try to talk to me about it? She didn't even tell me what was going on. I get back to my grandma's from church ( I went to church twice sunday, thanks God. You're an asshole. ) and I get a text about her taking my things to my moms. But the funny part of the text was when she said " I no longer have a job because I no longer have a trustworthy babysitter "
Really? You're going to blame me for you quiting your job? Man, I was unaware that I was the only qualified person to watch children. I wonder what other parents do when they have to go to work. IT WAS A FUCKING RUMOUR. How dare she discredit my worthiness. How dare she do any of this without even having the decency to talk to me about it to get the whole story. Not that it matters, BEEECAAAAAUSE :
I think she is the one who made it up.
Really, I do. She had been talking about quitting her job for MONTHS. I think she was just using this as an excuse to quit her job. Not even three days before this she was telling me that she was going to quit if she couldn't get the first day of school off. I'm thinking that the manager said she couldn't have it so she did this so she would get sympathy and not step on their toes. I am a teen after all, who cares if I get fucked over. It's not like I have feelings. I'm curious as to how many people she's told her lies to though. Someone else at subway already trash talked to potential employers about me ( HAHA I can't get a job :'D It's been a wonderful 6 months. ) so it's only a matter of who she's told before my already tarnished reputation is put through the shredder. And I know she's been telling people. Because ALICA told me that Leslie told her about it.
As much as I hate Alica I thank her for sticking up for me. She (From what Alica told me, but we all know how truthful she can be) apparently told Leslie that I'm not that kind of girl. That I wouldn't make something like that up and that I wouldn't do that to a friend or a married man. Or even an older man. She told me that She was pretty pissed off that Leslie would even believe such a thing and that she has zero respect for her now.
I was like ;___; You're the only one to defend me to the evil witch. And it's true. Mom just sat there and was indifferent to anything that Leslie said. Mom wouldn't even tell me what Leslie said at first. She said it was nothing and that she was just being unreasonable. I have to get made to hear what I had done to deserve being thrown out without warning. Unbelievable. I was mad that mom didn't defend me or say anything to her. Or try and stop it at all. I wish she would have punched Leslie in the face. I don't care about the charges Leslie would have filed. She deserves to have her damn knees smashed to bits with a bat. ( Nothing would give me greater pleaser then being the one to administer the justice here.... )
UGH. I just don't have anything in life worth waking up for anymore. I don't think there has been a day where I haven't thought of killing myself in the last 6 months. ( I wouldn't I guess, My grandmother wouldn't be able to cope with the loss of her grand daughter so soon after the loss of her daughter :/ ) I don't know how to deal with any of this though. Should I be calling the cops and pressing charges against her? I still have to call the Ontario Works office and talk to my social worker about my assistance and what's going to happen. I hate talking to her, she's always looking for ways to screw the system to get me more money that I have to pay them back. LIKE HELLO. I'm Jobless and homeless. I doubt they'll be getting money anytime soon. I still need to get ready for school, I still have to get my room situated. I'm still missing things. JUST URGH. I'm frustrated and fed up with life in general. I've lost more in the past year then anyone should have to. I wish I could go back EXACTLY a year and just not move out. I would visit my grandpa the one last time before he died. I wouldn't have confronted Dani so I would still have my best friend, I wouldn't have been friends with Lizzie, I would have went to all of my classes. ;___; I would have visited my aunt in the hospital more.
I just wish the past year had never happened. I would still be mediocre happy and employed.
When the boys tell her I spent all morning online. Playing music they're not allowed to listen to. This fucking lady is honestly going to drive me insane. I'm not allowed to do anything. She can play bobnoxious around the kids but I'm not allowed to listen to The Used? Go fuck yourself woman. -__-
Yeah, I really don't know how to respond when I'm getting hit on. I've never flirted with someone and meant it. I think there was one time, where a guy asked me for my number. And it was probably the awkwardest moment of my life. ( In case you haven't heard about it, I was at work, and I don't think I had showered for like 2 days. Trust me, I doubt I was pretty, and he was like "So, uh, do you think I could have your number?" And I was like DDDD: "I think I'm toooo yooooung for you" And he was like "Oh, well I'll see you around" Dx I looked at the lady who was in line behind him and I was like "Did that seriously just happen?!"
And Anthony tries to say sweet things that couples say to eachother and I completely butcher all his attempts to be cute. He'll like start talking about getting married and all that jazz and I'll be like "Yup can't wait to make you miserable." or " :3 We should have like 8 babies!" Or " How do you know I'm not going to run off with someone else and never let you see our children." And I think he's learned to not even bring up sex when talking to me. He likes to tease me about being *Christian* so I completely made him think that I'm all innocent and strict and NO SEX TILL MARRIAGE. :'D It's rather great really. I think it's good because then he isn't focused on the physical aspect of our relationship and I don't have to feel awkward and weird. (: